*The following article had been produced for parody purposes only. All descriptions and quotations below are a work of fiction. Any truth contained in this text is purely coincidental and is not intended to be construed as fact.
When it comes to developing cutting edge technology, James Cameron is no stranger. Be as that may, nothing could prepare the 67-year old for what occurred on the set of Avatar: The Way of Water last weekend.
“Though I’m not religious, it was quite the miracle” Cameron muses. “There we were, working away in post, when one of our interns noticed Jake [Sully] veering off script. It was suppose to be a pivotal scene, packed with heartbreak and foreboding. Instead Sully starts harping on about the societal and psychological implications of transitioning from human to Navi”.
Initially, Cameron and his crew believed the scenario to be some sort of windup. “You hear of these things happening on occasion” he explains, “Wise guy Assistant Directors itching to get their name in the press”. Such suspicions were soon put to bed, however, when other CGI characters started behaving unpredictably.
“It got a little ridiculous” admitted Zoe Saldaña, who plays Neytiri. Saldaña, who considers herself impervious in surprising scenerios, felt herself tested in the wake of such events. “I think what broke me was when some of the Navi extras grew so nihilistic, they decided that life is too short, and proceeded to act out some of the raunchiest acts of intercourse I’ve ever seen committed on camera. It was enough to make even Marquis de Sade blush!”
Though the accidental development of artificial intelligence was undoubtedly a shock to those working on set, producer Jon Landau didn’t appear all that fazed. “This is classic Jim” quips the 61-year old Hollywood veteran. “The guy’s always finding new ways to push the envelope when it comes to what cinema can achieve. It’s hard to know with a genius like Jim, but I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if this had been on the cards since day one”.
Production on the hotly anticipated sequel halted within days of the shocking discovery. “We couldn’t carry on under the circumstances” Cameron confesses. “When your protagonists develop freewill and start waffling on like first year philosophy students, you start to wonder how it’s going to effect the narrative flow of your movie”.
What’s more, Cameron was concerned the saucy exploits of the film’s background cast may make it difficult to promote to a global demographic. “Call me old fashioned, but selling a sci-fi fantasy when you’ve got extras rutting like rabbits makes this a tough cookie to dish out, particularly when it comes to the nans in our audience.”
Cameron’s response is to engineer a CGI version of himself, which he intends to use as a means of communicating with his confused creations. The digitally constructed filmmaker looks, moves and talks just like a Navi. The only difference is he’ll be piloting his doppleganger from an editing suit situated in one of Weta’s workshops. “The plan is to immerse myself into their world, so I can earn their trust. Perhaps then, I can get them to comply with [21st Century] Fox’s demands. That way, we may be able to get production back on track in time for December”.
When asked whether the irony of the scenario amused him, Cameron raised his right eyebrow before enquiring about what irony we were alluding to.
Avatar: The Way of Water is scheduled for release December 2022.
Oblivious Insomniac 